Parlez-vous français? (Part I)

So you want to learn French, huh? You have visions of yourself sitting next to the gurgling Seine, with a book of 18th century French poetry nestled on your lap, as you whisper a chain of sweet nothingness-es into the ear of your new French lover. Or maybe you see yourself as your company's official interpreter, sitting in a crowded boardroom in Paris, filled with important looking men and women decked out in expensive business wear, and dazzling your French speaking clients with your linguistic prowess.

Whatever your motivation, you are about to embark on a thrilling adventure of intellectual and personal discovery. One that you may not quite be prepared for.

According to a recent survey by the U.S. State Department on foreign language learning, French is the second most studied foreign language in the United States and has been rated as a 'level I' language, meaning that, in theory, it should only take about 600 hours of classwork to achieve minimal proficiency. This can be compared to a 'level III' language like Mandarin Chinese, which is said to need at least 2200 hours of classroom study in order for a learner be considered 'minimally proficient'. French, therefore, should be a breeze, right?

Not so fast, my linguistically adventurous friend. For while this may be true for reading and writing the language, when it comes to parlez-vous-ing with the best of them, I'm afraid that it's just not that simple.  

Heed my warning well: If you decide to study French, you're going to have to make up your mind to go all the way, because when it comes to speaking francais, being mediocre just isn't going to cut it.

With some languages these days, notably with English, the current lingua franca of our world, you can get by with being a casual speaker. No matter how bad your accent, or how terrible your grammar, the odds are that if you make the effort to speak in English, you will be responded to in English. When it comes to French, however, the prevalent attitude in these parts seems to be, speak my language well monsieur, or do not speak it at all.

Now, just to give you an idea of what sort of linguistic beast we are dealing with here, the French language is one whose every evolutionary step is monitored by a lofty, hoity-toity organization known as The Academie Francaise. An organization whose sole goal is to preserve the purity of la langue francaise and whose members refer to themselves as, and I kid you not, The Immortals. Dum, Dum Duuuum, (cue dramatic music). These are the guardians of the sophisticated French language who battle for its purity and who have vowed to fight till the bitter end to keep that pesky English language from diluting their beautiful tongue.

Quite frankly, if your French is crap, or to be more specific, if, despite whatever level of grammar you may possess, your French pronunciation and accent are crap, the Frenchies are going to either (a) ignore you completely or (b) speak to you in English, no matter how broken their English may be. It can be quite the disheartening experience when after years and years of study, nobody will grant you the pleasure of conversing with you in francais.

In a way, and maybe it's just the snob in me speaking, I don't really blame them for this attitude, because there is indeed something truly upsetting about hearing badly spoken French. I mean maybe I've just become immune to badly spoken English as it is the global norm nowadays, but hearing someone communicate in approximative English doesn't really bother me that much. Hearing French spoken with a bad accent, on the other hand, is akin to hearing the sound of a set of sharp nails scratching their way across a blackboard. Some languages just aren't meant to be butchered, I suppose.

But take heart! I am not saying that it is impossible to speak French well. Oh, no, no, I am just saying that it's, well, it's just a lot more difficult than it seems. But whoever said that anything worth aspiring to was easy, eh? Like most things in life, the rewards, and the immense feeling of personal satisfaction that come with progressing in the French language far outweigh the difficulties.

So if you've made up your mind that you want to parlez with the best of them, just make sure that you know what you're getting yourself into. Paris wasn't built in a day you know.

(to be continued)
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Here is one of my favorite clips from the movie 'Paris je t'aime' which depicts, among other things, some of the things that I've been talking about. You get a feel for just how difficult it can be in the beginning when you take those first brave steps to converse with a local in French. Enjoy :)